DEAR MAN: Assertive Communication in Action
A Step-by-Step Method for Making Effective Requests
DEAR MAN: Assertive Communication in Action
A Step-by-Step Method for Making Effective Requests
Getting your needs met in relationships requires clear, respectful communication—yet many people struggle to ask directly for what they want. The DEAR MAN technique from Dialectical Behavior Therapy provides a structured approach to interpersonal effectiveness that has been shown to improve assertiveness, reduce interpersonal conflict, and increase the likelihood of having requests honored (Linehan, 2015; Neacsiu et al., 2023). Before using DEAR MAN, identify a specific request you want to make of someone, then prepare each step.
State the facts of the situation clearly and concisely. Stick to observable events—leave out opinions, judgments, and interpretations. The other person should be able to agree that your description is accurate.
"We agreed to split household chores equally, but I've been doing them alone for the past two weeks."
Share how the situation makes you feel using "I" statements. Expressing your emotions honestly helps the other person understand the impact of the situation without feeling attacked.
"I feel frustrated and unappreciated because I'm carrying the full load on my own."
State your request or say no directly and specifically. Avoid hinting, hoping, or expecting the other person to figure out what you need. Clarity is kindness.
"I need us to go back to our original agreement and each handle our assigned tasks."
Explain the positive outcome of agreeing to your request. Help the other person see how cooperation benefits both of you, and express gratitude for their willingness to listen.
"If we share the work, we'll both have more energy and less resentment. Thank you for hearing me out."
Stay focused on your objective throughout the conversation. If the other person deflects, changes the subject, or becomes defensive, gently return to the point. Avoid getting pulled into side arguments.
"I hear your concern about the schedule, and I'd like to discuss that too—after we settle the chore agreement."
Use body language, tone of voice, and eye contact to convey confidence, even if you feel nervous. Confidence signals that you take your own request seriously and expect it to be considered.
Maintain steady eye contact, speak at a moderate pace, keep your posture open, and avoid apologetic qualifiers like "this probably isn't important, but..."
Be prepared to find a middle ground. Know your boundaries—what you can flex on and what is non-negotiable—and be willing to offer alternatives that still meet your core need.
"If weeknights are hard for you, would you be willing to take on more of the weekend chores instead?"
Practice Section
Think of an important request you need to make—or a situation where you need to say no. Work through each DEAR MAN step below to prepare. Practice saying your responses out loud before the actual conversation.
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